I've had a lot of things to adjust to since my youngest of three had moved on. The time span of 28 years of rearing children had come to a complete halt once she left. My adjustment to my first two children had been a breeze because I still had one at home and the other two were some how still there. The oldest son went into the Navy and came home after three short years and continued with his studies in town. The other lived outside the area at a nearby college. My connection with them seemed to have never changed. I was always mom and helped them through their lives as it was needed. Supporting them was natural and never ending. I got to watch them grow into mature adults throughout the years. Marveling at their extreme slow pace but nonetheless, are now fully grown and on their own.
When my daughter left, the story of my life changed. Her leaving was nothing compared to the first two. I was unable to grasp the reality of my empty nest. I knew it was coming and I thought I would be okay knowing ahead of time, but I was wrong. I remember telling her I didn't care where she went to college, as long as it wasn't east of the Mississippi. But when she confided in me that these smaller Universities on the west were not appealing to her. Having worked really hard for her grades she wanted her choice of schools be reflective of it. I totally understood and agreed. We had to expand our area for more options.</p>
When she got accepted to go to the Naval Academy Preparatory School in Rhode Island, I thought I would just die. She has been my side kick for 18 years. Teaching her, mentoring her and watching her blossom has been the greatest joy of my motherhood. My mini me. She completed me as a person. I became a different person with Alysia. Someone I had wanted to be with my two boys but as fate had it, they had the short end of the stick when it came to me. Some regrets can't be changed only mended.
In the 10 months of separation with Alysia, I was hollow. I went on my days as I usually did but for the most part, I was just going through the motions. My husband was there to fill the void and we do really well as a couple and he is very attentive. He's a special guy. Love him to pieces and thankful he puts up with my emotional moods.
On Alysia's return, I knew she would have gone through some changes. Changes that only a school like the Naval Academy would do to an eighteen year old. As rigorous, strenuous and challenging as it was, I would be surprised if she didn't. But nothing prepared me for the realization that not only did she grow up quicker and more mature. She was everything I had imagined and wished she would be.
Most students who plan on going into the Naval Academy, West Points and Merchant Marines are fully aware of what they needed to do to prepare for applications. Academics, social skills, discipline, leadership, athletics, civic, attitude, maturity, responsibility, common sense, the list goes on. This is a mind set that takes place years in advance to prepare for. This includes home life and parenting that would help build them up. Little did I know, the way she was raised was everything she needed to sustain the life of a Naval Officer.</p>
To explain further, I will illustrate in another book what some of the things I think shaped her mental state of mind. Likewise, unbeknownst to her or I, the lessons were in no way intentional or was a mind set to sending her to Military school or rather being as strict or stringent as I was. I was told I was hard on her. I thought I was just being structurally sound. Every moment was a teaching moment. I took advantage of being a single mom and the only authoritative voice that she had to listen to. Unlike my ex-husband, he undermined everything I said and tried to do with the boys. I was never good enough to do so. I was good enough, I just wasn’t strong enough to have left sooner than the ten years of chaos that we endured.
A quote from Bill Cosby finally made sense to me. “One cannot be a true Parent unless they have had three children.” So, unless you are also a parent, you may not understand this. But I resonate with that comment now, especially after having three kids and the differences to my rearing from the oldest to the youngest is truly unfair. There is no manual for raising children and each child is different that you cannot discipline, teach, communicate or even love them the same across the board. A different tactic to every approach is formed by their unique personality. As a parent, finding their uniqueness and utilizing what we found to finally work, gets better understood by us between each child. What works and what doesn’t. At which case, having three children is perfect! The trial and errors of our ways with the first two kids can be either good or bad examples of how we did things. But now, now we are more than likely, more seasoned as a parent as well. We have matured and have more patience and knowledge. Our temperament is a huge contributor to the outcome of our children’s responses. The tone of our voices are especially important in how we communicate. Words can be misunderstood because of the tone. Whether it is angry, loving. condescending or even untrue, they will know and react accordingly.
So nothing is by design, unless you are God. With that said, if three kids makes us a better parent, then any child after the 3rd one must be the reason why the last child is near perfect!
How is it in your family? Do you find this to be true or do you have a different perspective? Let me know if you are the youngest of more than 3 or if you are a parent of more than three. It’s just something to ponder….
Thanks for reading! And I truly would love to hear your input. But play nice! If you subscribe we can definitely engage in a topic with a variety of perspectives.
Peace, Love and Joy with all the glory to God,
MaMaRia, until next time!